Kesha --
I am what my daughter would call a "re-entry" college student. That just a nice way of saying - Mom, why are you going back to school? But life through me some curve balls in my twenties and here I am trying to get my teaching certificate as a single parent and a CCS student. I have a 28 year old married daughter with a baby (I was young when I had my children), an almost 26 year old daughter, and a 20 year old son that is living with me and attending Mercer.
Now, I consider myself a fairly open-minded parent, and I totally agree with your thoughts about not having to be married to be happy (and it's not because I'm divorced) - it just is. I'm always around my children - they see me sort of like a peer instead of just a mom - but we have our moments. My children almost tell me too much and I say -- "okay too much information" - but I like that they can talk to me.
My 26 year old is in a similar situation like you Kesha (unmarried and living with her boyfriend). It's been about two years. I have no problem with this -- I think it's good to get to know someone by living with them before you're married. My mother has a problem with this and would probably make the same statement to my daughter, as your aunt did (if I'd let her).
Now, for my Eureka moment.... before my daughter and boyfriend lived together - he shared a condo with some roommates. My daughter would visit him at his house and sleepover, after awhile, it was on a more regular basis. I'll never forget this conversation with my daughter -- I'm driving in the car talking on the phone (with my headset on, of course) and she says to me in a extremely happy way, like a kid that just got a brand new toy..... "Mom, you'll never believe this .. Adam gave me the key to his house!" Now, this is NOT the Eureka moment.... My response was... I said.... without hesitation..... "Congratulations, sweetie, that's great." At that instant, a shiver went down my spine and (luckily I was stopped at a light). My daughter said, "Mom are you alright?" I said, "yes honey, I just had a jolt, as to what my mother would've said if I told her that I was getting a key to my boyfriend's house!" Well, let's just say, it would not have been CONGRATULATIONS! Now, I know that if my mother had a son -- it would have been a different story. -- But her daughter being over her boyfriend's house without parental supervision - let alone - having a key! So, I don't know if I'm ahead of my time -- because some of my friends think that my daughter should be married and I'm crazy to "let" my 26 year old daughter live with her boyfriend -- why is it that parents in general think that their boys can "get away" with things like this - but not the girls?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Robin,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback in reference to my blog. To respond to your blog I think that many parents feel like girls will suffer for it more than a boy will, could be true at times. People can be very judgmental and I must admit I am guilty of that at times myself...although I really try not to be. However a woman living with a man is usually scene as stupid, lowering her standards, being used and overall the victim. My all time favorite saying that people use to shed a negative light on this situation is, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” which implies that the woman is a fat cow and viewed as property. The irony is that a guy is viewed as good guy for being able to commit, go figure.
Robin,
ReplyDeleteMy parents also have a problem with living together before marriage: they believe there are no statistics showing that living together prevents divorce. Of course I respected their wishes and married my husband without living together first. So, so sorry that I did that. Evenutally will get divorced but can't bring myself to kick him out yet. I think I would have known what I was getting into had I lived with him first. But you never know. Maybe I already knew and chose to ignore it.
Having said all that: no one should be judged for living with someone before or after marriage. It's what works for them, right?
Taryn
I think that it's nice that your the type of mother who is happy when her children are happy. Truth is, there is no real danger in your daughter living with her boyfriend, so in no way is there anything wrong with your acceptance. I think that considering she was there all of the time already, it makes sence. Also, times are SO much different now a days. for starters, shes 26. Most adults that are against this were probably married by this age. I know my mother was already married and had me by that age. People get married later, but that doesnt change their maturety level at that age. Second, i think its SMART to live together before getting married. You see a different side of people when you live with them, there is no escaping arguments or bad moods, if they go to "their room to vent" its your room too. It fources you to see what it would be like if you marry this person, and being forced to face your problems or arguments right away. Also, with the divorce rate on the climb, I think that this is a way for people to get to know one another and see: is this really someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? What do they brign to the table, do they pay their bills on time, is their credit bad, are they an absolute slob while i am a neat freak.
ReplyDeleteIf anything I think that you have soemthing to be proud of. You are a mom who has managed to adapt to the new ways of life of other generations, you are flexible and realize what is necessary to get worked up over, and what isnt. Good for you.
I believe the issue mainly has to do with the traditional gender stereotypes our culture has created in that girls are the weaker sex, are more fragile, and need looking out for. It also stems from the similar, traditional value that a young girl is to remain innocent and pure for as long as possible especially out of wedlock, which still can raise some eyebrows, apparently. It is also significant to note than our Western, Christianized culture here in the United States has its long-standing patriarchal and Puritan origins from centuries back. Those values soared on down to generation to generation which naturally oppressed women and their sexuality.
ReplyDeleteEveryone's post had a valid response and spoke from different experiences. I'll be married 3 yrs this August and my husband and I purchased our first condo together at the age of 26 before we were even engaged. We dated for 2 years and made a huge financial purchase knowing that eventually we'd fully commit. His parents are definitely old school (from Charleston South Carolina) and I'm sure they had their reservations about us buying something when we dated for a short period of time and were not even engaged. My parents on the other hand were just happy we weren't renting! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, refers to services and privileges given to men from women without commitment. Basically saying why be married when we can play house! Which can be a problem in some relationships where a woman is looking for that ring and the man is like why mess up what we have. I think it's great that you have given your daughter your blessings, this way as Taryn states she can see for herself if they can manage under the same roof. My grandmother always said, "I can show you better than I can tell you"! Meaning sometimes you need to experience things one your own before you see the light. If things don't work out between the two, atleast she can say that she gave it a shot.
ReplyDeleteI think it is better if you live with a person first. I know from my previous marriage I was more concerned with upsetting my mother instead of living with him and found myself getting married, yet again, way to soon. I really wanted to make this work, but discovered his ego boundaries did not extend much further then his shoes. So, I am now divorced because I was more concerned with pleasing other people (which tends to be a female trait) and am starting a new life at the age of 50.
ReplyDelete